I suppose it all seems more dreary and bleak on blah days, horrid and unacceptable on bad days and ridiculously amazing (why did I even worry?) on good days.
I have been in a period of blah days dotted infrequently with horrible, shoot myself in the shin, throw a vase against the wall and scream bad days. Those seem to resonate more than do the good days, when something happens and I can't stop the smile from radiating from my face. And those moments spent remembering the intense happiness often lead to the, what seems to be inevitable, slump back into the pit of desolation and the feeling of alone-ness.
I continually remember little things about that time of joy, a small laugh shared, a kiss or touch, some compliment given unexpectedly and I feel light, the smile breaks out and I revel in the feelings.
Unfortunately, I then remind myself that I am not there now and will not be again. I wonder why I torture myself with wallowing in the sadness. The loss of those moments yet again. And can only say that I have been this way for so long that to break the habit will take time, so much effort and the will to make the change.
For now my ramblings are at an end.